Find Your Tribe

Thirty Days of Thankfulness, Day Three

You've heard the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child", right?  If your children are older, or even grown with children of their own, you get it.  But if you're a new mom, or a mom of a couple little ones, maybe you don't.

I remember when my first son was born, as I was going through the discharge procedures at the hospital, thinking that it was completely absurd that I didn't have to have any kind of training or knowledge in order to take this little one home.  No one doubted my capabilities, or the capabilities of any new mom.  There was no test, no set of instructions to follow.  You make it, you take it.

That first time I walked into my house with that little baby boy, I thought, "I can do this!" And then he started to cry.  So I fed him.  And then he cried some more.  So I changed him.  And then he was still crying.  So I fed him again.  Still. Crying.  What was wrong with this baby?!  The crying/feeding/changing routine went on all day. And all night.  He would sleep in short spurts, but only if I was holding him.  By the middle of the second day, I was DONE.  I called my sister and asked if she could just come and hold him for a while so I could sleep.  When she walked in the door, I basically threw the screaming baby at her and dove into bed.  I passed out immediately and when I awoke hours later, it was quiet. Quiet! I slowly emerged from my bedroom to find my sister sitting on the couch and the baby sound asleep in his crib. . That's right-IN HIS CRIB. I asked her if she was a magician and she laughed and said no. I asked her how she had managed this feat I had struggled with and she simply said, "I swaddled him tightly in his blanket and put him in bed."  Why had no one told me to swaddle my baby?  

That was my first hint at what the "It takes a village" thing was all about.  I started to realize that I wasn't expected to know everything about raising a child.  I learned that your family and your friends and people you meet all have little bits to share with you.  And sometimes, you figure something out for yourself, and then you pass that on to someone else.

Shortly after my second daughter was born, I was invited to join a moms' group.  MOPS: Mothers of Preschoolers.  Being a stay-at-home mom, I was pretty excited to have a reason to put on makeup and real clothes.  When I walked into the room that day, with a two year old and a breastfeeding-on-demand baby, I was a little overwhelmed. I sat quietly with my daughter in my arms, while my son played in a nearby room with other kids his age and some wonderful caregivers.  I listened to stories of pregnancy and delivery, potty training, messy houses and meal planning.  Moms came up and introduced themselves and everyone was so warm and welcoming.  I remember vividly when the mom next to me casually mentioned she had five children.  FIVE!  That number was hard to comprehend.  I wasn't sure how I made it through most days with just my two kids.

As the months rolled by, I got to know more moms.  I listened to their stories and mentally stashed away tips and tricks they shared with the group.  We shared the ups and downs of our lives, and both cried and laughed together.  It was a great group of moms and I became close with many of them.  I stayed with MOPS through the birth of my third child and then my fourth. The warm dinners delivered to my door from these women in the days after bringing home a new baby were amazing. One less thing to worry about, right?  These ladies got it.  They had been in my shoes and knew what would be appreciated.

When my youngest child was a year old, we made the difficult decision to move our family to Tennessee.  We said goodbye to family and friends, and I also had to part with my MOPS group.  I missed our Thursday morning meetings and our occasional girls nights out.  I missed having the backup of 30 other moms when I had questions or concerns or just wanted to grab breakfast with a few friends.  But then, three years later, I was back in Michigan.  I had returned with a fifth child, and I had to re-join MOPS.  It wasn't just as I had left it, but that was to be expected. Some moms had moved away or gotten jobs or just weren't in that stage of life anymore, but new moms had also joined.  There were fresh new mom faces holding tiny babies and this time, I had some experience under my belt-five experiences, to be exact.  Three boys, two girls, ages ranging from two years old to ten years old.  I might have been gone for three years, but when I walked back into that room on that Thursday morning, it was as if I had never left.  This was my tribe.  These were great ladies, good women, with amazing hearts.  We were all together to learn and grow and laugh and cry and love and help each other.

Motherhood isn't a solo adventure; no one should have to go it alone.  We weren't meant to have all the answers.  We need socialization as much as our kids do.  We need to know that we're doing okay and that when we make a mistake, it' not only normal, but expected.  I read a lot of books and I scour the internet when I have parenting questions, but there's really nothing like a face-to-face conversation with another mom who has been where you are. And if you think that because I have five kids I have all the answers, you're wrong-way wrong.  But what I do have is a tribe.  I have mothers and aunts and sisters and grandmas and cousins and friends.  These people are my tribe.  I might be my childrens' mother, but everyone in my tribe has helped raise them, and for that I am thankful.